A lot of older people blame their age when they forget something. I think they’re forgetting how much they forgot when they were younger.

If there’s one thing I remember, it’s that I’ve always been forgetful. And I blame it on the same thing I’ve always blamed it on: I don’t pay attention. It’s hard to remember where I put my car keys if, while I’m putting them down, I’m trying to remember where I left my reading glasses.

Nevertheless, I know a lot of people who worry about their memory. So as a public service, I’m going to share some tips I’ve gleaned from the fount of all knowledge: the internet.

Tips for the Forgetful

1) Exercise. Some studies have found that regular aerobic exercise appears to boost the size of your hippocampus, the part of your brain that is central to memory and learning. And bonus, it’s also known to reduce the size of other parts of your campus.

2) Eat right. Experts say a diet made up of fruits, vegetables, beans and foods that are high in healthy, unsaturated fats (olive oil, fish, nuts) is thought to be good for your brain and therefore for your memory. I can definitely vouch for the role of food in memory. I’ve cooked some pretty unforgettable meals. But I’m not sure that’s what they mean.

3) Relax. I’m sure you already know that chronic stress inhibits the immune system and causes headaches, high blood pressure, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath. But did you know it has also been shown to affect memory. There now; that ought to help you relax.

4) Sleep. Research suggests that memory consolidation takes place during sleep through the strengthening of the neural connections that form our memories. If only I’d known that back in college. That’s what I would have told my professor when I dozed off in his economics class.

5) Believe in yourself. According to the Harvard Health Beat Blog, older learners do worse on memory tasks when they’re exposed to negative stereotypes about aging and memory, and better when the messages are positive. When younger people make disrespectful comments about aging, we need to remind them gently that they’ll be older one day too—unless we kill them first. Kidding! Forget I said that.

6)  Repeat it. Experts say when you want to remember something, you should write it down or repeat it out loud. For example, say “I’m putting the grocery list on the counter” or “Tomorrow is trash day.” I’m no memory expert, but I think you should say it loudly, too. That way if you forget, maybe someone who was in earshot at the time can remind you.

Likewise when you’re introduced to someone, repeat the name several times. “It’s nice to meet you, Susan. Isn’t the weather nice, Susan? What do you do for a living Susan?” Meanwhile, look closely at Susan until you begin to associate Susan’s name with her appearance—or until she says, “My name isn’t Susan.” You may not remember what her name is after that, but you’ll definitely remember what it isn’t.

7) Use memory tricks, if you can remember any. I’m kidding! I know you can. Some examples include “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Noodles” is an easy way to remember the planets; RICE reminds us of the treatment for injured limbs (rest, ice, compression, and elevation); and WDIPMCK stands for where did I put my car keys.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I have now reached a point in my online existence where I’m receiving more spam than regular e-mail. In fact, I’m receiving more spam than regular email and snail mail combined. In fact, I’m receiving more spam than regular email, snail mail, phone calls, and greetings on the street combined.

Do I sound annoyed? I’m not at all. I believe spammers have a lot to teach us about effective marketing. Really. Don’t let the fact that they can’t spell fool you. Clearly spam is the smart way to go if you want to sell a product, market a service, or acquire other people’s credit card numbers. Between deleting messages, I’ve picked up the following clever strategies to help you do it:

1. First you must choose a pseudonym. This is important. If your product is like many others sold with spam, you may not want your mother to know you’re selling it.

There are three approaches you can use when choosing your alias. First you could try an unusual name. People can’t help but be drawn to those with exotic-sounding names like I. M. Floating, Opulence Here’s How or Nicoteenia Caffeinia. But a common name like David Smith or Jill Jones can also be effective because the recipient can’t help but wonder, “Wasn’t she in my fifth-grade class?” Or, “Did I meet him at my niece’s wedding?” Obviously if people think they know you, they’re more likely to give you their credit card number.

Finally, you could choose an organizational-sounding name. I know I can’t resist Prize Notification Department and Internet Regulator no matter how many times I see them—or how they’re spelled.

2. You’ll need to create attention-grabbing subject lines. Here are some creative examples that worked on me: people say you’re really smart, straight talk about hair transplants, and want to own your own spaceship? How could I not open the message with the intriguing subject line “Discover family DNA heritage at holiday prices” or the clever “I think you will like this as much as I think you will.”

But be careful you don’t promise too much in your subject line. “Be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams” might leave your readers disappointed with your content since you have no way of knowing how wild their dreams actually are. And also try to avoid turning your recipients off. “Thicker hair in 30 seconds” is frightening even to the hairless.

3. Flatter your recipient. I never get tired of seeing “You deserve to be rich,” “Your life experience alone is worth a Ph.D.,” and “You would look even more ravishing in a new Swiss replica watch!”

4. Don’t fret about the mechanics of your writing. You can draw attention away from any errors by using plenty of CAPLITAL LETERS AND EXCAVATION PONTS!!!!!!!!!! See what I mean?

5. Forget everything you’ve ever heard about target marketing. Spread your message like dandelion seeds in the wind. Just type “CONFIDENTIAL” or “You’ve been selected from 30 million people” at the top of your message and all the recipients will believe they’re the only one you’ve contacted—even the women receiving your barbershop perfect sideburns message.

6. Finally, and most importantly, don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. Be relentless. Be prolific. Be a pain.

There you have it: the six magical rules used by effective spammers. Trust me; these really work. They must. They KEEP!!!!ON!!!! DOING IT!!!!!!

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

By Dorothy Rosby

Recently, a friend gave me one of those grippers you use to open jar lids. She said she’d found it at a thrift shop and, remembering I’d said I needed one, she’d purchased it for me. I thanked her profusely. How nice to be thought of. Except that I didn’t remember telling her I needed it.

Not that I don’t need it. It’s just that up until that moment, with the gripper staring me in the face, it had not occurred to me how much I need it.

My friend seemed proud of herself for being so thoughtful. She proceeded to tell me her acquisition story, as bargain shoppers often do, and I pretended to listen while I racked my brain. Had I made any comment that would have led her to believe I was having trouble opening jars? I couldn’t remember a single thing. And yet I have had trouble opening jars. If I hadn’t mentioned I needed a gripper, I should have.

My friend was now carrying on about how often she uses her own gripper, as do her mother, her sister, and the neighbor down the street. And then it occurred to me. What if my friend has me confused with someone else? Now that person will go on struggling with her kosher dills and grape jelly, and it will be my fault. What a thing to have on my conscience!

But what could I do? By that time we were a good ten minutes into the conversation; a conversation in which I had enthusiastically thanked my friend for her thoughtfulness and agreed that yes, I could really use the gripper. It seemed too late to say, “I’m sorry. Now that I think about it, I think you must have me confused with someone else who’s lost their grip.”

But I didn’t have the courage. Instead I offered to pay her for the gripper which I hadn’t planned on buying. I was concerned that if I paid her, she’d start bringing me all sorts of things I need, but don’t know it yet. I offered anyway, and she graciously declined. It was a gift; a gift that was probably meant for someone else. I took it and use it often, always wondering, am I forgetful or am I a liar? Don’t answer that.

Meanwhile, my friend hasn’t brought me any other useful kitchen items—or anything else for that matter. Maybe she’s onto me. Or maybe I haven’t mentioned I need anything else, in which case, I could really use some wooden spoons.

I’m sure this story serves to illustrate a point, though I’m not sure what it is. Maybe just that the longer you wait, the harder it gets to speak up. Whether it’s telling your neighbor that it was you who reported their barking dog to animal control. Or telling your parents that you’re the one who burned down the garage when you were 14. These are just examples, mind you. We had a carport when I was growing up, and it’s still standing.

 I swear my delay was only an attempt to buy thinking time. But I waited too long, and I certainly didn’t want to embarrass us both after we’d carried on like that. Plus, I was afraid she’d want the gripper back.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

By Dorothy Rosby

Sometimes I sit at my computer thinking about all the things I could be doing if I weren’t working. Then when I stop working, I think about all the things I didn’t finish when I was working because I was thinking about not working.

I’ve been known to lie awake at night, fretting about the next day. Then I drag through the next day—wishing I were asleep. I iron while I watch movies. I talk on the phone while I clean my house. And I read while I ride my exercise bike. (How good the workout is depends on how good the reading material is.) 

As anyone who knows me will tell you, my mind is rarely where my body is. And that’s a nice way to put what they say about me. But judging by the behavior of those around me, I’m not the only one. I know a woman who puts on her make-up while she drives, and I know a man who reads news during family dinners. (I won’t mention any names, but it’s someone I’m married to.)

I once saw a woman knitting at a baseball game. And a few days ago I saw a teenage boy driving with what looked like a textbook open on the dashboard. Maybe he was studying for his driver’s test.

When I’m talking to others, I can practically see the cartoon balloons rising over their heads. “Cheese. I need to pick up cheese,” or, “I wonder if the fish are biting.” I understand; I’ve done it myself and I don’t even fish.

Only young children seem to be right where they are, with the exception of on Christmas Eve and the night before their birthday. Make that the month before their birthday. Then they get to high school and start dreaming of going to college. Then they get to college and start dreaming of a career. Then they start a career and start dreaming about retiring. Then they retire and talk about the good old days.

As adults we simply don’t always bring our minds along when we take our bodies out. That makes us either talented or negligent. Separating mind and body is a wonderful talent to have when you’re having a tooth pulled or a tattoo removed.  But it was negligent when I left a store without paying for the snacks I had every intention of purchasing. Honest! It’s just that my mind was already at the office while my body was still walking out of the store. It didn’t help that it was walking pretty darn fast.

And it was negligent and even downright dangerous when a man talking on his cellphone while he drove nearly ran over me. His mind was on his conversation, but his body was in his car driving toward me. Incidentally while that was happening, my mind was right there with my body for a change.

The other problem with letting mind and body go their separate ways is you miss so much. You miss the taste of your meal if, while you’re eating it, you’re already thinking about whether or not you’re going to have seconds—and dessert. If you’re reading your email while you’re driving, you’ll miss the view, not to mention the patrolman.

We should ask ourselves, were we really there at all, wherever “there” was, if our head wasn’t? If I was thinking of my vacation while I was working, was I really working at all and should I even be paid?

I think…yes, since I was thinking of working while I was on my vacation. In which case, maybe I really wasn’t on vacation at all and should probably take another one.

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I read somewhere that the average person thinks 60,000 thoughts every day. That sounds like a lot. But that’s if you’re average, and really, how many of us can say that?

The author went on to say that no matter how many thoughts you have, 95% of them are the same ones you had yesterday. Ouch! That makes me feel so shallow. And it did yesterday too.

I don’t know if I even have 60,000 thoughts per day, but if I ever start counting, I’m pretty sure I’ll have fewer of them. “Where did I put my car keys?” That’s one. “What about my sunglasses?” That’s two. “Why can’t I learn to put my sunglasses and my keys in the same place every day?” That’s three—all of which I had today, yesterday and pretty much every day last week. You can see how counting would discourage deep thought.

Like many other startling facts I’ve seen on the internet, these two may not even be…uh…factual. An email I received recently claimed red cars are stopped for speeding more often than any other color of car. That’s probably true when you compare red cars that are speeding with other cars that are not. Or there’s that “fact” that periodically makes the rounds on the internet about how more people are killed by donkeys than by airline accidents. There’s probably no way to prove that since, as far as I know, no one keeps records of donkey-induced fatalities. If it were a problem, I would think someone would be keeping stats.

I apologize for getting off track, but it did give you something to think about, didn’t it? And that’s the point. I don’t know about you, but if I were honest with myself, which I seldom am, I would have to admit that many of the thoughts I’m having today are the same ones I had yesterday and probably the day before that. Besides “Where are my keys and my sunglasses,” there’s “What am I going to make for dinner,” “Why can’t my stomach be flat” and “There must be something in the water in Washington, D.C.”

I know my life would be more interesting if I could think some new thoughts. I would probably be more interesting too. You’re already very interesting, but I’m going to make some suggestions anyway.

Ways to Have New Thoughts

Try new things. I’ve never had a burning desire to try sky diving or bungee jumping. I worry that certain new experiences might kill me, and dead people are not known for their abundance of new thoughts. But I have tried rappelling, the cha-cha and quail eggs.

Read. I read whatever is in front of me, including cereal boxes, which recently inspired several new thoughts: “Why wasn’t my box of Mini-Wheats the one with the $100 gift card inside?” And “What is tripotassium phosphate and why are they putting it in my Cheerios?” But when it comes to mysteries, I prefer mine in a book. Murder mystery novels prompt many thoughts: “Whodunit? What was the motive? And what was that noise I just heard in my basement?”

Travel. Traveling is also a great way to trigger new thoughts. Some possibilities include: “Why do hot dogs cost $20 when you’re away from home,” “Did I remember to lock the front door when I left” and “Thank goodness I’m flying and not riding a donkey.”

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I often wonder how my life would be different if there were no FreeCell. For those of you who don’t procrastinate—or who use real cards when you do it—FreeCell is a kind of solitaire and one of many ways one can put off doing actual work on one’s home computer. (Normally you don’t find FreeCell on business computers because of the effect it would have on gross domestic product.)

While it may be one of the most effective methods of delaying work, FreeCell is certainly not the only one. And on January 1, I resolved to cut back on procrastination. All these weeks later, I’m finally getting around to writing about it.

First, let’s review some of the time-honored maxims about avoiding procrastination.

1. Eat the elephant in small bites. The elephant is a low-carb, high-protein metaphor for a project so large that one does not know where to begin. When one does not know where to begin, one does not begin. One plays FreeCell. Or reads her spam. Or eats Spam. In small bites.

Meanwhile, the elephant grows larger. No one can swallow an entire elephant in one gulp, nor would they want to. That’s why one should divide the project into small tasks or, to put it another way, chop the elephant into bite-size morsels. While this should make your project more manageable, it won’t necessarily make the elephant taste any better.

2. Eat your frog the first thing in the morning. The frog symbolizes those tasks so unpleasant that you simply cannot bring yourself to do them. Unfortunately, frogs left uneaten have a way of metamorphosing into large, distasteful elephants while you’re watching Seinfeld reruns. That is why you must summon your courage first thing in the morning and force yourself to swallow the darn thing and get it over with. This will leave you energized and motivated to do other less abhorrent projects—or play a rousing game of FreeCell.

3. Make hay while the sun is shining. In other words, work during your peak times. Some people are morning people; some people are night people. I’m a person for a short period right around suppertime. I try to avoid spending my precious peak time daydreaming or twiddling my thumbs; I have my other 15 hours of non-peak, non-sleep time to do that.

While I recommend you add elephants, frogs and hay to your diet, I do not believe you should give up procrastination entirely. Instead I suggest you practice what I call the Art of Selective Procrastination. Consider the following:

If you delay your Christmas shopping until December 23, you won’t forget where you put the gifts. Or that you bought them.

If you wait to buy your Halloween candy until the afternoon of October 31, you won’t have to buy more to replace all that you ate.

If you regularly delay grocery shopping, you’ll get to eat out more often.

If you wait long enough, your family will eventually take all of the clean, unfolded laundry out of the laundry basket, making folding it and putting it away completely unnecessary.

If you wait long enough to shovel snow, eventually it will melt. If you put off raking your leaves, the autumn winds will blow them into your neighbor’s yard. And if you put off making hay and eating your frogs and elephants, you’ll have more time to play FreeCell.

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I’m trying a new approach to New Year’s resolutions this year. Instead of worrying about everything I’d like to change about myself, I’m going focus on what I’d like other people to change. That’s right. This year I’m making New Year’s resolutions for everyone else. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. It’s a lot more fun than the old way and I’m sure it will be every bit as effective.

For starters, I hereby resolve that hackers and identity thieves will use their considerable talents to contribute to society by pursuing legal employment. And if they don’t, I resolve that law enforcement officials will track them down and put them behind bars where they’ll be forced to listen to robo calls all day, every day for the rest of their sorry lives.

And I resolve that spammers will stop spamming, scammers will stop scamming and litterers will stop littering. And I resolve that those who spit their gum on the sidewalk will be the ones who step on it later.

I resolve that TV viewers will begin questioning everything that comes out of the mouths of well-paid political pundits and if they have any questions about who and what they should really believe, they can call me and I’ll tell them.

Likewise I resolve that social media users will stop believing everything they read on Facebook and Twitter and that they’ll refrain from sharing mean-spirited political memes and political rants—unless I agree with them.

And speaking of politics, I resolve that all eligible voters will vote in the next election. Or at least all eligible voters who see things my way will vote in the next election.

I hereby resolve that shoppers will no longer pick up items in one aisle, change their minds and leave said items in another aisle. I sympathize. I change my mind occasionally too. In fact the last time I went shopping I picked up a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips in aisle five and was overcome with guilt by the time I reached the produce department. But I got over it.

I resolve that as of January 1, other customers will cease unloading more items than are allowed in the express line and that they’ll refrain from pointing it out if I do it.

And I resolve that shoppers will return their carts to the proper spot after they finish unloading their groceries instead of leaving them in the middle of the parking lot where I can back into them.

I resolve that other drivers will stop parking so close to the line in the parking lot that they can’t help dinging my door when they get out of their car. And I resolve they’ll find another parking place if it’s me who parked too close to the line.

And finally I resolve that no one will ever again text and drive, drink and drive or get in my way when I drive. And that nobody will call me or come knocking at my door while I’m eating or sleeping, which I realize is a wide target. And that anyone who speaks on their cellphone within earshot of me will have the courtesy to make it an interesting conversation.

So there you have it:  my new approach to making New Year’s resolutions. It’s brilliant, isn’t it? I think it will catch on. Soon everyone will be making resolutions for other people, and not just for strangers but also for close friends and family. There are so many possibilities.

“I resolve that you’ll stop interrupting.”

“Yeah? Well, I resolve that you’ll stop talking when I’m trying to interrupt.”

“I resolve that you’ll quit telling me how to drive.”

“And I resolve that you’ll learn to drive better.”

“I resolve that you’ll go back to making New Year’s resolutions the old way.” “And I resolve that you’ll learn to appreciate constructive criticism.”

Excerpt from ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate, Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand by Dorothy Rosby, now available at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon in both print and e-book versions.

By Dorothy Rosby

You can’t tell by looking at my wrapping, but I was once a professional gift wrapper. Sort of. When I was a teenager, I worked at a hardware store in my hometown, Buffalo, South Dakota. Buffalo had a population of around 350 people and was many miles from a department store. Also I was in high school before the days of online shopping—about a hundred years before the days of online shopping. So the hardware store carried a variety of housewares, toys and other items that were often purchased for gift giving. We also had a fabulous selection of wrapping paper and bows but only a few people on staff who could really do them justice. I wasn’t one of them.

Practice should make perfect and I wrapped many gifts, but they always had those big bulges on the sides of the package where the paper comes together—like I accidentally wrapped a hammer in there, which I may have once or twice. Even today I turn a gift on its side and put a big bow on the lump to cover it up.

But I can finally feel good about my wrapping, and not because it’s gotten better. Recently I’ve read about several studies that suggest attractive gift wrapping can backfire by leading the receiver to anticipate an equally attractive gift. That means that when they open your beautifully wrapped package and find an egg slicer or a hair removal device, they’re bound to be disappointed. They might be disappointed anyway.

But researchers say fancy wrapping can even dim the enthusiasm of someone receiving a nice gift. Meanwhile, mediocre wrapping can enhance the joy of receiving any gift because the wrapping hasn’t built up expectations, though I don’t think anything could enhance the joy of receiving a hair remover or an egg slicer.

It makes sense really. Imagine that a month before Christmas you receive a gift that’s been professionally wrapped in gold metallic wrapping paper with a red satin ribbon and a giant bow. You see it under your tree every day and you can’t help imagining all the wonderful things that could be in that package. Crystal? A new camera? A hundred-dollar bill and a big rock to add weight to the package? You can’t wait for Christmas!

Finally, it’s time. You tear into the package prepared to be wowed, and you find…a hot dog cooker or a snow cone maker. Naturally you’re disappointed. Who wants snow cones in December?

If these studies had been done back when I was a professional gift wrapper it would have saved me a lot of embarrassment. I could have handed my customers their lumpy packages and said, “If your wife is disappointed that you bought mixing bowls for her birthday, don’t blame me.”

According to one researcher there’s an exception to the gift wrap rule, and that’s when the value of your gift isn’t obvious. For example, let’s say you’re giving your teenager the $1.3 million Diamond Crypto Smartphone. If she thinks the diamonds are cubic zirconia she might carelessly misplace her phone under her bed or accidentally throw it in with the dirty laundry. In order to signal that the gift actually does have great value you should definitely have it professionally wrapped. You should also have your head examined.

For gifts valued at less than $1.3 million, consider more humble wrapping:

• Wrap your gift in newspaper, being careful to avoid the obituary page.
• Wrap it in brown paper and tie it up with string while humming a verse of “My Favorite Things.”
• Make the wrapping part of the gift. For example, use a tea towel to wrap a package of kitchen sponges.
• Go wrapless—the gift, not you.
• My personal favorite though, is the gift bag. Gift bags are attractive but not so much that they raise my expectations. They don’t require any special wrapping skill when I go to reuse them later. And they make it easy for me to peek.

Excerpt from ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate, Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand now available at Mitzi’s Books in downtown Rapid City and on Amazon.

By Dorothy Rosby

First-timers to the fitness scene are often tempted to ask other exercisers how long they’ve been at it. This question can be interpreted in two ways: Number one, “Maybe if I stick with this as long as you have, I’ll look as good as you do.” Or two, “Wow! You must have looked really bad before?”

I can’t speak for men, but at the gym, like everywhere else, we women tend to compare ourselves to others and we usually come up short—or tall, or fat or thin, though seldom thin. Because comparing yourself to the wrong person can result in a self-esteem-induced craving for cream puffs, I recommend the following when you’re in the company of other exercisers:

Never compare yourself to anyone who puts on make-up to work out. Believe it or not, there are women who shower before they exercise. Or at least, they appear to. They fix their hair and put on jewelry and fashionable, coordinated workout clothing. I don’t know about yours, but the clothes I wear to work don’t even match.

Never compare yourself to a newlywed or even a newly in-love. Romance causes certain chemical changes in a woman’s brain that result in decreased appetite. A newly in-love woman can keep a box of chocolates until they’re stale and turn up her nose at an apple pie. Fortunately, by her second anniversary she’s regained her sanity—and with it much of the weight she lost.

Never compare yourself to what I call a “mathematician.” A mathematician is someone who can tell you at any given moment what her weight and percentage of body fat are and how many calories and fat grams she’s eaten thus far that day. This can be discouraging if you’re pretty sure you consumed as much during your coffee break.

Never compare yourself to a chronic dieter. If she catches you looking at her she may kill you. She hates exercise and she’s cranky because she hasn’t eaten all day. But she has made up her mind to exercise daily and survive on lettuce and diet soda until she is a size six. She will stick with this regimen for three days and lose five pounds. Then on day four, exhausted, famished, and discouraged, she will leave the gym and go directly to the bakery where she will have not one, but two seven-layer bars. After this, you won’t see her at the gym for a very long time, although you may see her at the bakery. Don’t look at her there either.

Finally, never compare yourself to a “convert;” that is someone who once ate large quantities of fried white sugar and now eats only whole grains and organic vegetables. I recently overheard two such individuals talking about how they could never return to their former abhorrent lifestyles. But both admitted there are still some things from their shameful pasts that tempt them. One woman said bacon bits actually call out her name from salad bars.

“What does?” the other said innocently.

“Bacon bits,” said the first.

“Bacon what?”

The woman had never heard of bacon bits. Is that possible in America? Hearing their conversation made me long for a BLT. Extra bacon, extra mayo, hold the lettuce.

If you must compare, compare yourself to the way you were before you started exercising (unless it was better). And if you absolutely must compare yourself to someone else, choose someone in worse shape than you are—me for example. I wear baggy sweats and a ragged tee shirt when I exercise. The last time my abs were flat, I was eight years old. And, by golly, I know bacon bits when I see them.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous including ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate; Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand, now available at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon in both print and ebook versions.

By Dorothy Rosby

The secret to career success can be summed up in six little words: Fake It ‘Til You Make It. I’ve read many Fake-It-’Til-You-Make-It tips in business publications, and while it should be fairly obvious that none of them have worked for me, I’m going to share them with you anyway.

1. First of all, you must dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Or, to put it another way, look the part, even if you don’t have the part. I’m quite happy with the job I have, but I work at home which is lucky. My dress code could give the impression to anyone in an office setting that I’d like to teach aerobics for a living.

2. You’ll also want to appear busy and in demand, even if you aren’t. That’s why you should never admit that your appointment book is empty. When trying to set up an appointment with a colleague, study your blank calendar, shake your head, and say, “Hmmmm. . . no . . . maybe. . . I might be able to stop by at 10 o’clock on Tuesday. But to be safe, let’s make it 10:15 or even 10:16.” You can see how that would inspire more confidence in a potential business associate than if you said, “My week is wide open. In fact, other than a dentist appointment on Wednesday and lunch with my mom on Friday, I don’t have a single thing going.”

3. On your way up the corporate ladder, you’ll eventually find yourself dining in the presence of other successful people—or fakers, as the case may be. Nothing I read on the subject put it quite this way, but I think the rule for dining on a first date applies to business dining as well: Never order anything that comes with a wet wipe.

4. A small amount of messiness in your office implies friendliness, but too much clutter may cause your visitors to believe you don’t care what they think—which may be true. On the other hand, too clean of an office conveys coldness as well as the impression that you don’t have enough work to do, the danger being that a co-worker might give you some of hers.

5. Walking too slowly in the workplace also gives the impression that you don’t have enough to do. On the other hand, running around like the proverbial chicken with her head cut off may give the impression that you’re disorganized and have no authority, since, as you know, chickens have almost no say in the workplace. I find this one confusing, so I just ask myself how Oprah walks into her office. I’m pretty sure the answer is any way she wants to.

6. Speak up at meetings. Career experts say that employees who speak up first at meetings are seen as more self-confident than those who make comments at the end. So jump right in. Talk about your weekend if that’s all you can think of.

7. Finally, experts agree, you should start earlier and work later than the boss. That means that around 4:30, you should ask your supervisor, “What time do you think you’ll be leaving today? And any idea when you’ll be here in the morning?”

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous including ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate; Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand, coming in November 2022.