By Dorothy Rosby

I once ordered antivirus software online. As it turned out, it would have been easier and more pleasant to have a virus.

I was unable to download the software so I emailed the support desk for help. Then several days later I emailed again. When no help was forthcoming, I purchased another brand and emailed the first company asking for a refund.

Then they offered to help. Then they couldn’t find any record of my order. Then they asked me to tell them what happened. Then they asked me to tell them again.

After more than a month and a dozen emails back and forth, they sent me a message saying, “Unfortunately, these issues are best resolved over the phone. Please call at your convenience.”

They must have meant at their convenience because they didn’t include a toll-free number and they left me on hold for twenty minutes—twice. Eventually I was able to speak to an actual human, or so I thought. I’ll call him SJ for “Smug Jerk”—because he was one, not because it’s his name. I forgot that, but his mother probably even calls him Smug Jerk.

Anyway, his helpful response was, “You’re past the thirty-day refund period.”

“But I’ve been emailing your company for thirty days.”

“Doesn’t matter. That’s our policy.”

Customer service rule #1: Never say, “That’s our policy.” Even if it is. The only thing more infuriating to a customer is spitting on them. SJ probably would have done that too if he weren’t far away, hiding in his little cubicle in the bowels of some giant tech firm.

SJ said his supervisor would email me the next day. I told him I’d rather give him my phone number.

“He won’t call.”

“Why not? Your email said these issues are best resolved by phone.”

“Only within thirty days.”

That’s when I did something that I normally reserve only for the people I love: I yelled at SJ. I told him his customer service skills stink, his company stinks and his cubicle probably stinks too. Actually I don’t remember what I said, but I know it did nothing to change his company’s policy.

And he was right. His supervisor didn’t call. Nor did he email. And I’m still waiting for my refund.

The experience led me to contemplate other customer service nightmares I’ve endured. (I’ve probably been on the giving end of some as well, but I don’t have that much space.)

I was calling the lone hotel in a town I would be visiting the following week. When I said, “I’ll be arriving next Thursday—that’s Thanksgiving,” the proprietress said, “I am well aware of that.” On Thanksgiving I checked into the motel, which I now fondly refer to as the Bates Motel. I commented on her lovely grandchildren who happened to be playing in the lobby. “Yes,” she said icily, “Even people who own hotels have families.”

I was getting the feeling she didn’t want to be there on the holiday. Oddly enough, at that point, I didn’t either. Which leads me to customer service rule #2: The person who has the money you want should be led to believe that you’re happy to see them—whether or not you are.

And finally customer service rule #3: If the customer is upset, give them something free. This rule is also known as: If you work at a gas station that sells watered-down gas to an easily-annoyed customer on a very hot day, and that easily-annoyed customer walks the mile back to your station not once but twice, and while she’s waiting for a tow, that easily-annoyed customer would like a cold drink, never say: “that will be a dollar and 75 cents.” (I’m not easily annoyed, but otherwise this story is entirely true.)

Of course, I’ve had some wonderful customer service too. Back in the days of landlines, I had a cordless phone die after only a few days of use. I called the manufacturer on my cellphone, worried that since I’d screamed at a stranger on the telephone once, it would be easier to do it again.

A recording told me that because of the volume of inquiries, callers were waiting an average of twelve minutes on hold that day, and that if I didn’t have time to wait, I should call later. The recording was a nice idea—but I timed them anyway.

Eight minutes later a very nice man came on the line. He quickly diagnosed the problem as a bad battery and promised to send me a new one, which he did—at no charge.

Alas, the battery was not the problem. Who cares? What customer service!

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of three books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

 Dorothy Rosby

Author of Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About

www.dorothyrosby.com

Find me on Facebook   Twitter  Goodreads

By Dorothy Rosby

According to the manufacturers of Cascade dishwashing detergent, using a dishwasher to wash your dishes saves 30 minutes a day over handwashing them. I read a fascinating article on the subject while I was wandering around the internet today frittering away the half hour I’d just saved using my dishwasher.

The author went on to say that we save 230 hours a year by letting our dishwashers do the work. I wasted another half hour trying to understand how saving 30 minutes a day washing dishes would save me 230 hours a year. It doesn’t add up, even when you count leap year. The only thing I can figure is that some dishwashers also clear the table, load and unload themselves and put the clean dishes away. 

Mine doesn’t do any of that, but at least I have that extra half hour every time I use my dishwasher. The question is, what am I doing with it? And what am I doing with all the time my other modern conveniences are supposedly saving me? Theoretically, I should have all sorts of free time to accomplish great things—or nap.

I have a washer and dryer so I don’t have to spend entire afternoons beating my clothes on a rock and hanging them up to dry. My refrigerator defrosts itself so I don’t have to stand in front of it for hours with a hairdryer and an ice pick. Quicken saves me 10 or 15 hours every month balancing my checkbook. I know that sounds like a lot, but I’m not any better at math than the good people at Cascade are. 

I even save time every day not tying my tennis shoes because they have Velcro fasteners. This is lucky because I spend so much time looking for them. 

I won’t try to tally up all the hours my modern conveniences are saving me because I can’t find my cellphone. Among its many timesaving apps is a built-in calculator which saves me a lot of time adding and subtracting—when I can find it.

The point is, I should have a lot of extra time. So why don’t I? I can’t be spending it all looking for my cellphone and my tennis shoes.

To make sense of it, I went to Google, that fount of all knowledge and time waster of epic proportions. I was horrified by what I found. One article said that if we’re average, we use two and a half hours every weekday going through our personal email. They didn’t break it down, but I estimate two hours and 20 minutes of that are spent deleting spam.

One website claimed the average American spends more than two hours a day on social media which means social media has replaced solitaire as the most common way to avoid doing actual work on the computer.

Another website said we spend just over three hours per day watching television and more than four and a half hours a week looking for our remotes. That’s about 40 minutes a day looking for our remote if my math is correct. It may not be because I still haven’t found my cellphone. I’m just lucky I have a dishwasher otherwise I wouldn’t have time to look for our remote.

Suddenly I understood. When it comes to time, technology giveth and technology taketh away. And some technology taketh a lot more than it giveth. It only took all the time my dishwasher, washing machine and Velcro tennis shoes have saved me over the last month and a half to figure that out. 

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of three books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

By Dorothy Rosby

I always thought that barring risky behavior and runaway buses, lifespan was a matter of genes. But I just came across an article called “9 Habits that the World’s Healthiest and Longest-Lived People Share.” The author, Dan Buettner, claims that genes are responsible for only about 20% of the average person’s lifespan. I’m relieved to know I might have some say about how long I’m around. I’m so far behind that an average lifespan will never be enough for me to get everything done.

More than 20 years ago, Buettner studied locations around the world where there are low rates of chronic disease and lots of spry centenarians: Okinawa, Japan; Sardinia, Italy; Nicoya, Costa Rica; Ikaria, Greece, and Loma Linda, California. He and his colleagues named the sites Blue Zones and identified nine habits people living in them shared, none of which was lying on the couch eating ice cream and watching NCIS reruns.

As you’d expect one of the habits is exercise, but you’ll be relieved to know that Blue Zoners aren’t running marathons and training for Ironman Triathlons. Buettner says they simply live lifestyles that encourage movement naturally. They garden, walk where they need to go and don’t rely on mechanical gadgets to do their work. I don’t mean to brag, but I get a lot of exercise naturally too. I mash my potatoes by hand, regularly run to the kitchen for snacks and often go up and down my stairs for exercise. Also, because I keep forgetting why I went downstairs in the first place.

Folks in the Blue Zones have purpose in their lives. The Okinawans use the phrase “ikigai” and the Nicoyans call it “plan de vida.” Both translate to “why I wake up in the morning” and I don’t think the answer is “because my alarm clock went off” or “I had to use the bathroom.”

People in Blue Zones eat a lot of veggies. They also tend to eat their smallest meal in the late afternoon or early evening and then they don’t eat again until morning. I wonder if that explains the real reason they wake up in the morning: breakfast.

Blue Zoners don’t overeat. Okinawans even recite a Confucian-inspired adage before dining, hara hachi bu, which loosely translated means just because it’s there doesn’t mean I have to eat it. Actually, it’s their reminder to stop eating when their stomach is 80 percent full. I don’t know how to tell if my stomach is 80 or 90 percent full. But I know for sure I always stop eating before I’m 100 percent full because I can always make room for pie if it’s offered.

The longest-lived people in the world experience stress like the rest of us do, but they make it a habit to relax. Some pray, Okinawans take a few moments daily to remember their ancestors, Ikarians take a nap and Sardinians have happy hour. I’ve been known to indulge in all of the above. I expect to live forever.

I’m kidding about the happy hour though. One glass of wine and I’m ready to nap. If I drank wine daily as most Blue Zoners do, I’d sleep through any extra years it got me. But if you want to make this a habit yourself, keep in mind moderation is the key. Blue Zoners stick to one or two—glasses, not bottles.

Rounding out the habits of long-lived people are the social ones. Having close family connections and friends that support healthy behaviors can add years to your life. So choose your friends carefully. You may have them for a long time.

Finally, the majority of Blue Zoners belong to some kind of faith-based community. This could be a big selling point for churches everywhere. How’s this for a marketing slogan: We believe in eternal life. Join us and you won’t start yours any sooner than necessary.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of three books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

Photo by Bermix Studio on Unsplash

A long-suffering reader of mine asked me if I ever struggle with writer’s block. I told her that when it comes to writing, I struggle with many things—laziness, lack of focus, a well-stocked refrigerator just down the hallway—but writer’s block isn’t one of them. That’s because writer’s block is a luxury for people who don’t have deadlines. I don’t think any of my editors would accept it as a valid reason for missing one.

Still I know writer’s block is real. And I can’t help wondering if people in other professions suffer from their own version of it. Do pilots, firefighters and brain surgeons ever feel blocked? I don’t know the answer to that, but for all our sakes, I sincerely hope they don’t.

Writer’s block is a psychological condition in which a writer finds herself unable to create. Her muse has abandoned her. I’m not sure if accountants and emergency medical technicians have muses so it’s possible they don’t experience block—thank goodness. But I think it’s worth exploring the possibility.

Certainly people in all career fields regularly face deadlines and I think most would grudgingly agree that they’re a gift, a practical but not necessarily welcome gift—like getting socks for Christmas. Without some cut-off date, I’m not sure some of us would ever finish anything. I can’t speak for anyone else, but a deadline forces me to engage in the most effective writer’s block prevention technique there is: writing rubbish. I don’t know if there is an equivalent for blocked pilots and brain surgeons, and I never want to find out.

Ideally of course the writer doesn’t stop at rubbish—and neither should the brain surgeon. All my columns follow a very predictable pattern from rubbish to passable: I have an idea I love. I think it’s brilliant. I think it will be the best thing I’ve ever written. I’m excited, inspired and motivated—for about half an hour.  

But sooner or later everything degenerates into work. This is the moment when, were it not for a deadline, I would succumb to a serious case of writer’s block or a rousing game of computer solitaire. They may or may not experience block, but I know for sure there are people in other professions who play solitaire on the job. You know who you are.

When I get to this point, I begin to doubt myself. I wonder why I ever thought the idea would work. I wonder why I didn’t pursue another line of work. Hopefully appliance repair people and trial court judges don’t have to deal with this every time they begin a job.

My deadline is looming so I must resort to writing rubbish until there’s a beginning, an ending and around 500 properly punctuated, grammatically correct but mostly uninspired words in the middle. I’m not happy with what I’ve written, but I could send it off to my editors if something serious came up, say my appendix burst or I had to go to jail for a few days. 

Thankfully neither of these has happened thus far, but if you ever read one of my columns and think it isn’t up to my usual level of mediocrity you can safely assume I’ve either had emergency surgery or I’ve been arrested.

Getting to this stage is always a comfort to me. At this point I start polishing, moving things around, exchanging one thing for another. I hope mechanics and orthopedic surgeons don’t do this. But for me, this part of the process is so fun that if I hadn’t had deadlines for the past 26 years, I might still be working on my first column.

At last I reach the final stage: ready or not, time to send. This is the equivalent of April 15 for accountants, who if they do indeed experience block, can file an extension.

Dorothy Rosby is a humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She is author of three books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

I read that the average woman spends 16 minutes on weekdays and 14 minutes on Saturdays and Sundays deciding what to wear. That adds up to a whopping 287 days of our lives, standing in front of our closets in our bathrobes, mumbling, “I don’t have a thing to wear!”

The average man spends somewhat less time choosing an outfit—only 13 minutes—which is why I think men should be responsible for cooking breakfast.
I’m well below average—as is often the case. There’s no way I’m spending that much time agonizing over what to wear. I work at home, so deciding what I’m going to wear is a matter of grabbing the first pair of sweatpants I come across when I’m digging in the dryer.

But I used to work outside of my home and I developed the following powerful strategies for deciding what to wear in far less than 16 minutes. As you’ll see, they are mainly based on the simple premise that choosing is always easier when you have less to choose from. Use these tips and you’ll be on time for work every day, though I can’t speak to how you’ll look when you get there.

1. 1. 1. I couldn’t choose it if I couldn’t find it and half an hour before work was not a good time to be looking for it. It’s amazing how often I couldn’t find it. 
      2. I couldn’t choose it if it wasn’t clean and depending on how caught up I was on laundry, that could narrow my choices considerably. 
      3. I considered the thermostat. For most people, the weather report is a determining factor when they’re choosing what to wear. But weather only matters if you’re a construction worker or a ranch hand and you work all day outdoors. If you mainly spend your days indoors like I do, consider the thermostat instead. I tend to be on the chilly side, so a useful weather report for me would read like this: “Dress in layers if you’re heading to XYZ Business. The owner is a woman of a certain age, and she keeps that place as cold as a meat locker. Likewise it will be 40-45 degrees at the movies this evening. The butter on your popcorn will harden before you get to your seat, but the ice in your beverage should last you through the credits.” 
      4. I considered my day. What will I be doing, how many people will see me doing it and how judgmental are those people? Will I be on my feet a lot? If so, I should avoid certain shoes if I still want to be walking tomorrow. Will I be sitting a lot? I have pants that would cut me in half by the end of the day. 
      5. Finally, I considered how much time I had before I had to be at work. There were many days I didn’t have 16 minutes to get ready, let alone decide what to wear. I never went to work in the clothes I slept in, but if I hit the snooze button too many times, I may have looked like it.
         

These days I definitely look like I slept in my work clothes. That’s because I do. Or rather I work in my sleep clothes, which I don’t recommend unless you work at home too.

Most days, I crawl out of bed and go directly to my computer. Eventually, I’m overcome by shame that I’m still in my pajamas, so I change into sweatpants for the rest of the day. If anyone dropped by, they’d think I teach aerobics in my home. Yes, it’s embarrassing but think of all the time I’m saving.

Dorothy Rosby is a humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She is author of three books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

A lot of us are working from home now, so I think this is a good time to discuss why we’re not getting anything done.

I’m an expert on not getting anything done, and I can tell you, it’s not our fault. At home, our attention is often demanded by family members, pets and snack cupboards.

Some people get sidetracked by chores. They head to their office, pass by a pile of laundry and can’t resist the urge to fold it. Thankfully I can usually withstand that temptation.

Then there’s technology. On their own, the following are plenty effective at distracting. They’re even better at it when we didn’t want to do our work anyway.  

Internet rabbit holes: I often go to the internet for research, but if I’m not careful, I fall down a rabbit hole and forget what I’m researching. Let me demonstrate: I’d like another way to say “rabbit hole” because it’s cliché and as a professional writer, I avoid clichés like the plague. 

I type “rabbit hole” into my search bar and discover that a play called Rabbit Hole won a Pulitzer for Drama in 2007. It was later made into a movie starring Nicole Kidman who, incidentally, is currently self-isolating with her adorable cavoodle puppy. I’ve never heard of a cavoodle. It’s highlighted so I click on it. The road to hell is paved with hyperlinks. 

A cavoodle is a cross between a poodle and a cavalier King Charles spaniel and it’s one of Australia’s most popular breeds. Isn’t Nicole Kidman from Australia? Quick search. She is! And she’s married to Keith Urban who, hyperlink click, also once lived in Australia. I wonder if that’s where they met. And how he feels about the cavoodle. An hour has passed and I decide to stick with “rabbit hole” or I’ll never finish this. 

Email overload: I get more emails than Santa gets letters and it’s my fault. I’ve signed up for every quote of the day and tip of the week there is for writers. There’s so much wisdom in my inbox. Why write when I could read about writing?  

There’s also a lot of hooey in there. I’d never get anything done if I didn’t turn the sound down on my computer so it doesn’t ding every time Dr. Fungus emails me. Clearly he’s working at home, and he’s been joined by sellers of masks and hand sanitizer who I’m sure are as trustworthy as he is. 

Phone notifications: A guest in my home had her phone notifications set to bark every time she got a text. Naturally, this got everyone’s attention, especially the cat’s. 

If my phone barked every time I got a message, this column would be late and I’d never see my cat again. I have to leave notifications off and set my phone to vibrate for calls. Sure I miss some, but most of them are about my vehicle warranty expiring and I’ve already heard that. 

Social media: This is the most distracting of all because there’s so much fascinating information on Facebook and the rest. Today, a woman I follow on Twitter asked this interesting question: How tall are you? She had hundreds of responses. Can’t those people see they’re wasting time? By the way, I’m 5 feet 6. Nicole Kidman is 5 feet 11. I looked it up. 

(Dorothy Rosby is the author of three humor books including her latest, I Didn’t Know You Could Make Birthday Cake from Scratch: Parenting Blunders from Cradle to Empty Nest.)  

Dorothy Rosby

www.dorothyrosby.com

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Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About:

Humorous Essays on the Hassles of Our Time

By Shaina Hargens

Staying top of mind is something you can systemize and strategize, WITHOUT being overwhelmed by online clutter or left with the feeling of being inadequate.

As we work through this together, remember, you can start with the easy ones – the ones that come NATURAL. We will still need to work to make them habit; habits are not formed overnight and they are perfected as we go.

Note: look for the link to the workbook at the end!

#1 Gratitude can be interchanged with appreciation for business purposes. What do these words mean to you? What emotions do they evoke? What do you think your customer feels when it’s received? Get creative with how you show gratitude – this is where YOU shine. This is where YOU come out on top – because the other people they called and canceled on ghosted them – because the last order they placed with someone else didn’t come with a personal thank you note.

This is what keeps you top of HEART!

#2 Connection is where business can sometimes be completely in the background! Connection is what makes you referable and part of the community, as a whole. See where I am going with this? This is your community – make it your playground – share your toys – pet their virtual dogs… ok I went too far. OH WELL. You get the point. NO ONE ELSE on their ‘friends list’ is celebrating with them as much as you are!

You are almost there.

#3 Value; you know what you know! It’s valuable – you put in hours of certification training – hours of product knowledge, testing and implementing. You have useful #PROTIPS to share with your audience.

It really doesn’t matter what you share for a couple reasons:

1. They don’t listen half the time.
2. They are not in your field of expertise but they love YOU and your offering.
3. Free info is free – you don’t have to give away the farm.
4. ONLY when money is exchanged does action take place.

BONUS: What if you gave away so much GRATITUDE, CONNECTION and VALUE that someone wanted to work for you or join your team or pay for your mentorship?!?!?!

Now, don’t get overwhelmed – we still need to limit screen time and be present at home BUT we can make our time online so much more intentional and genuine. Your business will flourish through all adversity. These principles are timeless – and now is your time to make them YOURS to make them WORK for you.

Download this workbook to EXPAND this article into WORKABLE implementation that works for YOU and how YOU work!

The HUGE level of human touch that these new habits provide you will, not only magnify and celebrate what you do have, but ELEVATE YOU.

I never believed the notion that people fear public speaking more than death. Given the choice, speak or die, I think most people would speak and you wouldn’t be able to shut them up. A career that involves a lot of public speaking has taught me that speaking is almost always preferable to dying.
 
But I do think the fear of public speaking stands between many people and their dreams. I’ve taught a class on public speaking to a variety of groups over the years. I call the class Public Speaking for Chickens: The Class for People Who Have Something to Crow About but Are Too Afraid to Do It. In it, I discuss things speakers can do before and during a presentation to make themselves more comfortable and their talk more effective. You can see an abbreviated version on my website www.dorothyrosby.com or click the video image thumbnail below.

In future Networker columns, I’ll be sharing a few of the tips I discuss in the class. In the meantime, if a fear of public speaking is holding you back, I encourage you to look for opportunities to speak and when they arise, take them. You’ll grow as a communicator, and other parts of your life may fall into place too. I know that because it worked for me.

After college, I was living in a small town in Iowa working as a radio announcer six evenings a week. That meant I had no social life. Then an acquaintance invited me to attend a Toastmasters meeting. Toastmasters is an international organization with local clubs around the world. Members practice their public speaking and leadership skills at meetings week after week. That’s the kind of practice that helps you get better at anything. But I didn’t care about that at the time. The club’s meetings fit my schedule and I thought it would be a fun way to meet people. Turns out it was, and the kind of people I like to meet: Motivated people from all walks of life who want to improve themselves and their community.

But Toastmasters also put me on a path. Being able to put public speaking experience on my resume helped me land the public relations job I had at Black Hills Works for 31 years. And doing humorous speeches in Toastmasters eventually led to my humor column. Learning to speak to groups put me on a path I might not be on otherwise.

Whatever your goals are, I can guarantee that working to improve your public speaking skills will help you get there. You gain confidence, meet people and learn to sell your ideas. Below is a list of local Toastmaster clubs. I’d encourage you to check them out. Any one of them would welcome you.

Top 5 Toastmasters
Black Hills Works
3650 Range Road, Rapid City
(605) 343-6287
Meets noon Mondays

Mount Rushmore Club
Rapid City Public Library
610 Quincy Street, Rapid City
605-255-5507
Meet 5:30 pm, 1st & 3rd Wednesdays

Skyline Club
Canyon Lake United Methodist Church
3500 Canyon Lake Drive
605-393-6077
Meets 7 am, Saturdays

(Dorothy Rosby is a speaker, author and syndicated humor columnist.)

Dorothy Rosby
Author of Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Worry About, coming soon
www.dorothyrosby.com

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I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to Know Me Better