A lot of older people blame their age when they forget something. I think they’re forgetting how much they forgot when they were younger.

If there’s one thing I remember, it’s that I’ve always been forgetful. And I blame it on the same thing I’ve always blamed it on: I don’t pay attention. It’s hard to remember where I put my car keys if, while I’m putting them down, I’m trying to remember where I left my reading glasses.

Nevertheless, I know a lot of people who worry about their memory. So as a public service, I’m going to share some tips I’ve gleaned from the fount of all knowledge: the internet.

Tips for the Forgetful

1) Exercise. Some studies have found that regular aerobic exercise appears to boost the size of your hippocampus, the part of your brain that is central to memory and learning. And bonus, it’s also known to reduce the size of other parts of your campus.

2) Eat right. Experts say a diet made up of fruits, vegetables, beans and foods that are high in healthy, unsaturated fats (olive oil, fish, nuts) is thought to be good for your brain and therefore for your memory. I can definitely vouch for the role of food in memory. I’ve cooked some pretty unforgettable meals. But I’m not sure that’s what they mean.

3) Relax. I’m sure you already know that chronic stress inhibits the immune system and causes headaches, high blood pressure, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath. But did you know it has also been shown to affect memory. There now; that ought to help you relax.

4) Sleep. Research suggests that memory consolidation takes place during sleep through the strengthening of the neural connections that form our memories. If only I’d known that back in college. That’s what I would have told my professor when I dozed off in his economics class.

5) Believe in yourself. According to the Harvard Health Beat Blog, older learners do worse on memory tasks when they’re exposed to negative stereotypes about aging and memory, and better when the messages are positive. When younger people make disrespectful comments about aging, we need to remind them gently that they’ll be older one day too—unless we kill them first. Kidding! Forget I said that.

6)  Repeat it. Experts say when you want to remember something, you should write it down or repeat it out loud. For example, say “I’m putting the grocery list on the counter” or “Tomorrow is trash day.” I’m no memory expert, but I think you should say it loudly, too. That way if you forget, maybe someone who was in earshot at the time can remind you.

Likewise when you’re introduced to someone, repeat the name several times. “It’s nice to meet you, Susan. Isn’t the weather nice, Susan? What do you do for a living Susan?” Meanwhile, look closely at Susan until you begin to associate Susan’s name with her appearance—or until she says, “My name isn’t Susan.” You may not remember what her name is after that, but you’ll definitely remember what it isn’t.

7) Use memory tricks, if you can remember any. I’m kidding! I know you can. Some examples include “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Noodles” is an easy way to remember the planets; RICE reminds us of the treatment for injured limbs (rest, ice, compression, and elevation); and WDIPMCK stands for where did I put my car keys.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I have now reached a point in my online existence where I’m receiving more spam than regular e-mail. In fact, I’m receiving more spam than regular email and snail mail combined. In fact, I’m receiving more spam than regular email, snail mail, phone calls, and greetings on the street combined.

Do I sound annoyed? I’m not at all. I believe spammers have a lot to teach us about effective marketing. Really. Don’t let the fact that they can’t spell fool you. Clearly spam is the smart way to go if you want to sell a product, market a service, or acquire other people’s credit card numbers. Between deleting messages, I’ve picked up the following clever strategies to help you do it:

1. First you must choose a pseudonym. This is important. If your product is like many others sold with spam, you may not want your mother to know you’re selling it.

There are three approaches you can use when choosing your alias. First you could try an unusual name. People can’t help but be drawn to those with exotic-sounding names like I. M. Floating, Opulence Here’s How or Nicoteenia Caffeinia. But a common name like David Smith or Jill Jones can also be effective because the recipient can’t help but wonder, “Wasn’t she in my fifth-grade class?” Or, “Did I meet him at my niece’s wedding?” Obviously if people think they know you, they’re more likely to give you their credit card number.

Finally, you could choose an organizational-sounding name. I know I can’t resist Prize Notification Department and Internet Regulator no matter how many times I see them—or how they’re spelled.

2. You’ll need to create attention-grabbing subject lines. Here are some creative examples that worked on me: people say you’re really smart, straight talk about hair transplants, and want to own your own spaceship? How could I not open the message with the intriguing subject line “Discover family DNA heritage at holiday prices” or the clever “I think you will like this as much as I think you will.”

But be careful you don’t promise too much in your subject line. “Be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams” might leave your readers disappointed with your content since you have no way of knowing how wild their dreams actually are. And also try to avoid turning your recipients off. “Thicker hair in 30 seconds” is frightening even to the hairless.

3. Flatter your recipient. I never get tired of seeing “You deserve to be rich,” “Your life experience alone is worth a Ph.D.,” and “You would look even more ravishing in a new Swiss replica watch!”

4. Don’t fret about the mechanics of your writing. You can draw attention away from any errors by using plenty of CAPLITAL LETERS AND EXCAVATION PONTS!!!!!!!!!! See what I mean?

5. Forget everything you’ve ever heard about target marketing. Spread your message like dandelion seeds in the wind. Just type “CONFIDENTIAL” or “You’ve been selected from 30 million people” at the top of your message and all the recipients will believe they’re the only one you’ve contacted—even the women receiving your barbershop perfect sideburns message.

6. Finally, and most importantly, don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. Be relentless. Be prolific. Be a pain.

There you have it: the six magical rules used by effective spammers. Trust me; these really work. They must. They KEEP!!!!ON!!!! DOING IT!!!!!!

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

By Dorothy Rosby

Recently, a friend gave me one of those grippers you use to open jar lids. She said she’d found it at a thrift shop and, remembering I’d said I needed one, she’d purchased it for me. I thanked her profusely. How nice to be thought of. Except that I didn’t remember telling her I needed it.

Not that I don’t need it. It’s just that up until that moment, with the gripper staring me in the face, it had not occurred to me how much I need it.

My friend seemed proud of herself for being so thoughtful. She proceeded to tell me her acquisition story, as bargain shoppers often do, and I pretended to listen while I racked my brain. Had I made any comment that would have led her to believe I was having trouble opening jars? I couldn’t remember a single thing. And yet I have had trouble opening jars. If I hadn’t mentioned I needed a gripper, I should have.

My friend was now carrying on about how often she uses her own gripper, as do her mother, her sister, and the neighbor down the street. And then it occurred to me. What if my friend has me confused with someone else? Now that person will go on struggling with her kosher dills and grape jelly, and it will be my fault. What a thing to have on my conscience!

But what could I do? By that time we were a good ten minutes into the conversation; a conversation in which I had enthusiastically thanked my friend for her thoughtfulness and agreed that yes, I could really use the gripper. It seemed too late to say, “I’m sorry. Now that I think about it, I think you must have me confused with someone else who’s lost their grip.”

But I didn’t have the courage. Instead I offered to pay her for the gripper which I hadn’t planned on buying. I was concerned that if I paid her, she’d start bringing me all sorts of things I need, but don’t know it yet. I offered anyway, and she graciously declined. It was a gift; a gift that was probably meant for someone else. I took it and use it often, always wondering, am I forgetful or am I a liar? Don’t answer that.

Meanwhile, my friend hasn’t brought me any other useful kitchen items—or anything else for that matter. Maybe she’s onto me. Or maybe I haven’t mentioned I need anything else, in which case, I could really use some wooden spoons.

I’m sure this story serves to illustrate a point, though I’m not sure what it is. Maybe just that the longer you wait, the harder it gets to speak up. Whether it’s telling your neighbor that it was you who reported their barking dog to animal control. Or telling your parents that you’re the one who burned down the garage when you were 14. These are just examples, mind you. We had a carport when I was growing up, and it’s still standing.

 I swear my delay was only an attempt to buy thinking time. But I waited too long, and I certainly didn’t want to embarrass us both after we’d carried on like that. Plus, I was afraid she’d want the gripper back.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.

By Dorothy Rosby

Sometimes I sit at my computer thinking about all the things I could be doing if I weren’t working. Then when I stop working, I think about all the things I didn’t finish when I was working because I was thinking about not working.

I’ve been known to lie awake at night, fretting about the next day. Then I drag through the next day—wishing I were asleep. I iron while I watch movies. I talk on the phone while I clean my house. And I read while I ride my exercise bike. (How good the workout is depends on how good the reading material is.) 

As anyone who knows me will tell you, my mind is rarely where my body is. And that’s a nice way to put what they say about me. But judging by the behavior of those around me, I’m not the only one. I know a woman who puts on her make-up while she drives, and I know a man who reads news during family dinners. (I won’t mention any names, but it’s someone I’m married to.)

I once saw a woman knitting at a baseball game. And a few days ago I saw a teenage boy driving with what looked like a textbook open on the dashboard. Maybe he was studying for his driver’s test.

When I’m talking to others, I can practically see the cartoon balloons rising over their heads. “Cheese. I need to pick up cheese,” or, “I wonder if the fish are biting.” I understand; I’ve done it myself and I don’t even fish.

Only young children seem to be right where they are, with the exception of on Christmas Eve and the night before their birthday. Make that the month before their birthday. Then they get to high school and start dreaming of going to college. Then they get to college and start dreaming of a career. Then they start a career and start dreaming about retiring. Then they retire and talk about the good old days.

As adults we simply don’t always bring our minds along when we take our bodies out. That makes us either talented or negligent. Separating mind and body is a wonderful talent to have when you’re having a tooth pulled or a tattoo removed.  But it was negligent when I left a store without paying for the snacks I had every intention of purchasing. Honest! It’s just that my mind was already at the office while my body was still walking out of the store. It didn’t help that it was walking pretty darn fast.

And it was negligent and even downright dangerous when a man talking on his cellphone while he drove nearly ran over me. His mind was on his conversation, but his body was in his car driving toward me. Incidentally while that was happening, my mind was right there with my body for a change.

The other problem with letting mind and body go their separate ways is you miss so much. You miss the taste of your meal if, while you’re eating it, you’re already thinking about whether or not you’re going to have seconds—and dessert. If you’re reading your email while you’re driving, you’ll miss the view, not to mention the patrolman.

We should ask ourselves, were we really there at all, wherever “there” was, if our head wasn’t? If I was thinking of my vacation while I was working, was I really working at all and should I even be paid?

I think…yes, since I was thinking of working while I was on my vacation. In which case, maybe I really wasn’t on vacation at all and should probably take another one.

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I read somewhere that the average person thinks 60,000 thoughts every day. That sounds like a lot. But that’s if you’re average, and really, how many of us can say that?

The author went on to say that no matter how many thoughts you have, 95% of them are the same ones you had yesterday. Ouch! That makes me feel so shallow. And it did yesterday too.

I don’t know if I even have 60,000 thoughts per day, but if I ever start counting, I’m pretty sure I’ll have fewer of them. “Where did I put my car keys?” That’s one. “What about my sunglasses?” That’s two. “Why can’t I learn to put my sunglasses and my keys in the same place every day?” That’s three—all of which I had today, yesterday and pretty much every day last week. You can see how counting would discourage deep thought.

Like many other startling facts I’ve seen on the internet, these two may not even be…uh…factual. An email I received recently claimed red cars are stopped for speeding more often than any other color of car. That’s probably true when you compare red cars that are speeding with other cars that are not. Or there’s that “fact” that periodically makes the rounds on the internet about how more people are killed by donkeys than by airline accidents. There’s probably no way to prove that since, as far as I know, no one keeps records of donkey-induced fatalities. If it were a problem, I would think someone would be keeping stats.

I apologize for getting off track, but it did give you something to think about, didn’t it? And that’s the point. I don’t know about you, but if I were honest with myself, which I seldom am, I would have to admit that many of the thoughts I’m having today are the same ones I had yesterday and probably the day before that. Besides “Where are my keys and my sunglasses,” there’s “What am I going to make for dinner,” “Why can’t my stomach be flat” and “There must be something in the water in Washington, D.C.”

I know my life would be more interesting if I could think some new thoughts. I would probably be more interesting too. You’re already very interesting, but I’m going to make some suggestions anyway.

Ways to Have New Thoughts

Try new things. I’ve never had a burning desire to try sky diving or bungee jumping. I worry that certain new experiences might kill me, and dead people are not known for their abundance of new thoughts. But I have tried rappelling, the cha-cha and quail eggs.

Read. I read whatever is in front of me, including cereal boxes, which recently inspired several new thoughts: “Why wasn’t my box of Mini-Wheats the one with the $100 gift card inside?” And “What is tripotassium phosphate and why are they putting it in my Cheerios?” But when it comes to mysteries, I prefer mine in a book. Murder mystery novels prompt many thoughts: “Whodunit? What was the motive? And what was that noise I just heard in my basement?”

Travel. Traveling is also a great way to trigger new thoughts. Some possibilities include: “Why do hot dogs cost $20 when you’re away from home,” “Did I remember to lock the front door when I left” and “Thank goodness I’m flying and not riding a donkey.”

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I often wonder how my life would be different if there were no FreeCell. For those of you who don’t procrastinate—or who use real cards when you do it—FreeCell is a kind of solitaire and one of many ways one can put off doing actual work on one’s home computer. (Normally you don’t find FreeCell on business computers because of the effect it would have on gross domestic product.)

While it may be one of the most effective methods of delaying work, FreeCell is certainly not the only one. And on January 1, I resolved to cut back on procrastination. All these weeks later, I’m finally getting around to writing about it.

First, let’s review some of the time-honored maxims about avoiding procrastination.

1. Eat the elephant in small bites. The elephant is a low-carb, high-protein metaphor for a project so large that one does not know where to begin. When one does not know where to begin, one does not begin. One plays FreeCell. Or reads her spam. Or eats Spam. In small bites.

Meanwhile, the elephant grows larger. No one can swallow an entire elephant in one gulp, nor would they want to. That’s why one should divide the project into small tasks or, to put it another way, chop the elephant into bite-size morsels. While this should make your project more manageable, it won’t necessarily make the elephant taste any better.

2. Eat your frog the first thing in the morning. The frog symbolizes those tasks so unpleasant that you simply cannot bring yourself to do them. Unfortunately, frogs left uneaten have a way of metamorphosing into large, distasteful elephants while you’re watching Seinfeld reruns. That is why you must summon your courage first thing in the morning and force yourself to swallow the darn thing and get it over with. This will leave you energized and motivated to do other less abhorrent projects—or play a rousing game of FreeCell.

3. Make hay while the sun is shining. In other words, work during your peak times. Some people are morning people; some people are night people. I’m a person for a short period right around suppertime. I try to avoid spending my precious peak time daydreaming or twiddling my thumbs; I have my other 15 hours of non-peak, non-sleep time to do that.

While I recommend you add elephants, frogs and hay to your diet, I do not believe you should give up procrastination entirely. Instead I suggest you practice what I call the Art of Selective Procrastination. Consider the following:

If you delay your Christmas shopping until December 23, you won’t forget where you put the gifts. Or that you bought them.

If you wait to buy your Halloween candy until the afternoon of October 31, you won’t have to buy more to replace all that you ate.

If you regularly delay grocery shopping, you’ll get to eat out more often.

If you wait long enough, your family will eventually take all of the clean, unfolded laundry out of the laundry basket, making folding it and putting it away completely unnecessary.

If you wait long enough to shovel snow, eventually it will melt. If you put off raking your leaves, the autumn winds will blow them into your neighbor’s yard. And if you put off making hay and eating your frogs and elephants, you’ll have more time to play FreeCell.

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.