This essay is dedicated to all those mothers who worry that if they leave town, their family will have to go next door to use the bathroom because they won’t know where to find more toilet paper when the roll is empty.

On Mother’s Day we celebrate not only all that mothers are and do, but all they know. Moms know the health history, food preferences, idiosyncrasies, sleep habits, social calendar and work schedule of every member of the family. They know everyone’s birth weight, birth date and birthday cake preference. And they know the whereabouts of clothing, electronics, textbooks and other paraphernalia dropped by family members who go through the house shedding belongings like overdressed tourists in the desert.

With so much to remember it’s no wonder mothers occasionally put wet clothes in the dryer and forget to turn it on. It’s no wonder they sometimes put the cereal in the refrigerator and the milk in the cupboard. And it’s no wonder they try six names before they get to the one belonging to the person they’re speaking to.

Moms simply have too much on their minds. They know too much. Let’s focus on one aspect of this great knowledge: a mother’s amazing instinct for knowing the whereabouts of every family member’s belongings, or at least their unshakeable belief that she does. Mom is the Finder in Chief for the whole family.

Every third sentence she hears from other family members begins with, “Have you seen my…,” as in, “Have you seen my sweatshirt, cell phone, math homework or half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” Sometimes there’s an edge to the question, as though the asker really means, “What did you do with my sweatshirt, cell phone, math homework or half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” They never ask that way though. They may not know where to find anything in the house but they do know it’s bad manners to insult the locals before you ask for directions.

 The Finder in Chief also has exclusive knowledge of the location of all necessities stored in the home. Family members who go through entire rolls of paper towels daily will do without them until Mom gets more from the pantry, or the basement or wherever they’ve been stored since the family moved into their home fifteen years ago. Tissue boxes will remain empty on the shelf until she goes to the cupboard for new ones, even if everyone in the family has a cold.

 Children who are normally diligent about handwashing will do without soap until Mom refills the soap dispenser. They simply do not know where these things are. Or at least they pretend they don’t because mom always comes through.

Being the Finder in Chief can be exhausting, which may help to explain the great irony of the job. A mother who has reloaded all the paper product dispensers in the house, then located a missing shoe in the back seat of the car, a science worksheet under the couch and a contact lens in the carpet, will not be able to find her own car keys. And there’s no one to help her.

Here is my wish for all you Finders in Chief on Mother’s Day. May you eventually manage to impart your great wisdom and skill to your family. But on Mother’s Day at least, might no one ask for it. May you put the milk in the refrigerator and the cereal in the cupboard. And may you find your reading glasses, or your other black shoe or whatever it is you’re missing. Better yet, may some kind family member find it for you.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon. 

I read once that the average American will spend 153 days of their life searching for misplaced belongings—car keys, shoes, homework. There are days I can’t find my sofa.

Being above average, I’ve already used my 153 days, and quite possibly yours as well. In an effort to keep my remaining time free for more important activities, I did some research and came up with the following list of rules to live by.

1) The less stuff you have, the easier it is to find the stuff you’re looking for. That’s why, whenever you get something new, you should get rid of something old, the only exception being children. (The rule does, however, apply to spouses.)

2) Likewise, if you don’t desperately need it or absolutely love it, don’t buy it. If it’s too late and you already have it, don’t keep it. Unload it on someone who doesn’t pay any heed to my advice. (It should be fairly easy to find someone like that.)

3) Touch mail only once. At our house, junk mail arrives by truckload daily. Sometimes we open it; quite often we do not. Either way, it winds up in front of our toaster, where it serves to absorb any butter that drops while we’re making toast. Occasionally we sort it, open some, discard some—and put the rest back in a heap by the telephone so it’s there the next time we feel like doing the whole thing over again.

Weeks pass: mail accumulates. Then something happens, for example, our lights are turned off, and we discover by candlelight that the light bill has been buried under a foot of advertising flyers and credit card applications, each of them nicely buttered and sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar. This could all be prevented if we would learn to pay it, file it or toss it immediately with tossing being the preferred choice.

4) If you’re going to have a place for everything and everything in its place, it’s important you make it the same place all the time. I won’t mention any names, but someone I’m married to doesn’t put things away. He puts them somewhere else—until he has time to put them away. Or until I do it for him.

If you have a similar system, you’ve probably discovered that when it comes time to use a particular object, you will have forgotten that you didn’t put it in its proper place, although, for many of us, that should be a given. When you don’t find it where it should be, you ask your spouse, “Where is it?” in that tone that really means, “Where did you put it?”

After a heated argument, you will remember that, as usual, you put it somewhere until you could get around to putting it away, which you never actually did. Then, not only will you have to apologize to your spouse; you will have to look in all of the places you normally put things until you have time to put them away. You can see how putting things in their proper place right away actually saves time, even if you have to borrow a ladder from the neighbor, carry it across the street and up two flights of stairs and crawl into the attic to do it.

5) And finally, if after following all the rules, you still manage to lose something important, don’t spend more than ten minutes looking for it. Give up for now, trusting that it will eventually reappear, probably when you’re looking for something else. It could be years from now, which may be too late for your child to turn in her math homework, but it will show up.

I’m counting on this, not only because I’ve already used 153 days of my life looking for misplaced “stuff,” but also because I haven’t seen my cellphone in three days.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon.

The secret to career success can be summed up in six little words: Fake It ’Til You Make It. I’ve read many Fake-It-’Til-You-Make-It tips in business publications, and while it should be fairly obvious that none of them have worked for me, I’m going to share them with you anyway.

            First of all, you must dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Or, to put it another way, look the part, even if you don’t have the part. I’m quite happy with the job I have, but I work at home which is lucky. My dress code in my home office could give the impression that I’d like to teach aerobics for a living.

            You’ll also want to appear busy and in demand, even if you aren’t. That’s why you should never admit that your appointment book is empty. When trying to set up an appointment with a colleague, study your blank calendar, shake your head, and say, “Hmmmm…no… But I might be able to stop by at 10 o’clock on Tuesday. But to be safe, let’s make it 10:15 or even 10:16.” You can see how that would inspire more confidence in a potential business associate than if you said, “My week is wide open. In fact, other than a dentist appointment on Wednesday, I don’t have a single thing going.”

            On your way up the corporate ladder, you’ll eventually find yourself dining in the presence of other successful people—or fakers, as the case may be. Nothing I read on the subject put it quite this way, but I think the rule for business dining is the same as for dining on a first date: Never order anything that comes with a wet wipe.

            A small amount of messiness in your office implies friendliness, but too much clutter may cause your visitors to believe you don’t care what they think—which may be true. On the other hand, too clean of an office conveys coldness as well as the impression that you don’t have enough work to do, the danger being that a co-worker might give you some of hers.

            Walking too slowly in the workplace also gives the impression that you don’t have enough to do. I’ve already discussed why you don’t want anyone thinking that. 

On the other hand, running around like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off may give the impression that you’re disorganized and have no authority, since, as you know, chickens have almost no say in the workplace.

Still I find this tip confusing. Ask yourself how Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey walk into their offices. I’m pretty sure the answer is any way they want to.

            Speak up at meetings. Career experts say that employees who speak up first at meetings are seen as more self-confident than those who make comments at the end. I guess it’s best to jump right in. Talk about your weekend if that’s all you can think of.

            Finally, experts agree, you should start earlier and work later than the boss. That means that around 4:30 every afternoon, you should ask your supervisor, “What time do you think you’ll be leaving today? And any idea when you’ll be here in the morning?”

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon.

Women need around 20 minutes more sleep per night than men do. I read it on the internet, so it must be true. Unfortunately, we also suffer from insomnia more often than men, maybe because we have to deal with them so much.  

I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I’m a little resentful right now because it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, and the two males in my house—my husband and my cat—are sleeping. Meanwhile, I’m awake writing about sleep, which isn’t nearly as restful.

But no more. I’ve gone to that fount of all knowledge, Google, to learn all I can about sleep. And I’ve drawn on what I found there, as well as my own experience, to create the following checklists based on my and my husband’s unique sleep challenges.

My Sleep Checklist

• Wake up (and go to bed) at the same time every day. The experts say a strict sleep schedule is essential, though I suspect the experts who say that don’t have children, pets or hot flashes.
• Get plenty of sunlight early in the day. Walk first thing in the morning if you can. But if that’s not possible, try getting dressed on your deck.
• Stop drinking caffeinated beverages four to six hours before bed. The effects of caffeine hang on like garlic on your breath.
• Have a nutritious but not heavy dinner at least two to three hours before bed. Nothing I read said this, but I think your husband should cook it. He’s probably better rested.
• Get the guest room ready in case you have to make a quick escape tonight due to your spouse’s snoring. If you don’t have a guest room, you’ll want to build one. Convert the dining room if you have to.
• Avoid electronics before bed. TVs, tablets and cellphones emit a blue light that can interfere with sleep. They emit a lot of other things that interfere with sleep too.
• Cut back on liquids 90 minutes before bedtime. While the experts say regular exercise improves sleep, jogging to the bathroom all night isn’t what they have in mind.  
• If you’re hungry before bed, eat a light snack. Kiwis, bananas, almonds, walnuts, cottage cheese and fatty fish are all thought to aid sleep. But don’t eat them all now.
• Tell your family goodnight, and not just to be polite. This is your warning that if anyone wakes you for any reason except the house being on fire, they’ll get a tongue lashing they’ll never forget. Nobody sleeps well after those.
• Turn down the thermostat. Some experts say the best sleeping temperature is 60 to 67 degrees. If you’re a woman of a certain age, it may be closer to 50 so encourage your spouse to wear to his winter coat to bed.
• Use a fan or white noise machine to drown out the sounds of traffic, dogs barking and your spouse’s breathing.
• Follow this routine daily and you’re guaranteed to have a good night’s sleep, if for no other reason than that you’re exhausted after doing it all.

My Husband’s Sleep Checklist

• Lie down. Or sit in the recliner. That works too.

Isn’t New Year’s Day magical? Every January 1, we wake up with a glorious feeling that anything is possible! Overnight we have the power to change ourselves and our life. This is the year we finally become the person we’ve always wanted to be. And then…comes January 2. 

I read that 38% of American adults make New Year’s resolutions but only 9% complete them. Forty-three percent of those that make them give up on them by the end of January. Twenty-three percent quit by the end of the first week. I’m not saying which one I am.

In my quest to become a better person, I’ve thoroughly studied the topic of New Year’s resolutions and I’ve come up with a list of tips for keeping them in 2024.

1. 1. 1. 1. Write them down. The simple act of putting your resolutions on paper will make them seem more doable and make you feel more committed to them. Also, if you fail you’ll have your list ready when it comes time to make resolutions next year.
         2. Avoid taking on too much. Don’t try to change everything about yourself all at once, even if your spouse wants you to.
         3. Frame your resolutions in a positive way. For example, instead of saying “I resolve to stop being such a couch potato,” say “I resolve to become a couch asparagus, which has fewer carbohydrates.”
         4. Get a partner. If you’ve decided to get fit, enlist a friend with the same goal. That way you’ll have someone to praise you when you’re doing well, encourage you when you’re not doing so well and go out for ice cream with you when you both give up.
         5. Don’t let setbacks discourage you. If you fall off the wagon, get right back in the saddle! Tomorrow’s another day. Never say die. Then next year you can resolve to stop using clichés.
         6. Keep a journal of your progress. It could look something like this. January 1: I resolve to walk the dog daily. This is going to be so fun! January 2: Spotty and I walked four blocks. We’re bonding and getting fit at the same time! Tomorrow we’ll do five. January 3: Spotty and I walked four blocks again. It’s okay once we’re walking but I hate getting up early. January 4: Spotty and I walked just two blocks today. It’s so cold this time of year. January 5: I forgot to walk Spotty. January 6: Why am I walking Spotty? We got him for the kids. They should walk him.
         7. Celebrate your successes! Lost five pounds? Congratulations! You deserve cake and ice cream. I’m joking! But do celebrate and have a wonderful 2024!