By Dorothy Rosby

I read somewhere that the average person thinks 60,000 thoughts every day. That sounds like a lot. But that’s if you’re average, and really, how many of us can say that?

The author went on to say that no matter how many thoughts you have, 95% of them are the same ones you had yesterday. Ouch! That makes me feel so shallow. And it did yesterday too.

I don’t know if I even have 60,000 thoughts per day, but if I ever start counting, I’m pretty sure I’ll have fewer of them. “Where did I put my car keys?” That’s one. “What about my sunglasses?” That’s two. “Why can’t I learn to put my sunglasses and my keys in the same place every day?” That’s three—all of which I had today, yesterday and pretty much every day last week. You can see how counting would discourage deep thought.

Like many other startling facts I’ve seen on the internet, these two may not even be…uh…factual. An email I received recently claimed red cars are stopped for speeding more often than any other color of car. That’s probably true when you compare red cars that are speeding with other cars that are not. Or there’s that “fact” that periodically makes the rounds on the internet about how more people are killed by donkeys than by airline accidents. There’s probably no way to prove that since, as far as I know, no one keeps records of donkey-induced fatalities. If it were a problem, I would think someone would be keeping stats.

I apologize for getting off track, but it did give you something to think about, didn’t it? And that’s the point. I don’t know about you, but if I were honest with myself, which I seldom am, I would have to admit that many of the thoughts I’m having today are the same ones I had yesterday and probably the day before that. Besides “Where are my keys and my sunglasses,” there’s “What am I going to make for dinner,” “Why can’t my stomach be flat” and “There must be something in the water in Washington, D.C.”

I know my life would be more interesting if I could think some new thoughts. I would probably be more interesting too. You’re already very interesting, but I’m going to make some suggestions anyway.

Ways to Have New Thoughts

Try new things. I’ve never had a burning desire to try sky diving or bungee jumping. I worry that certain new experiences might kill me, and dead people are not known for their abundance of new thoughts. But I have tried rappelling, the cha-cha and quail eggs.

Read. I read whatever is in front of me, including cereal boxes, which recently inspired several new thoughts: “Why wasn’t my box of Mini-Wheats the one with the $100 gift card inside?” And “What is tripotassium phosphate and why are they putting it in my Cheerios?” But when it comes to mysteries, I prefer mine in a book. Murder mystery novels prompt many thoughts: “Whodunit? What was the motive? And what was that noise I just heard in my basement?”

Travel. Traveling is also a great way to trigger new thoughts. Some possibilities include: “Why do hot dogs cost $20 when you’re away from home,” “Did I remember to lock the front door when I left” and “Thank goodness I’m flying and not riding a donkey.”

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon. 

By Dorothy Rosby

I often wonder how my life would be different if there were no FreeCell. For those of you who don’t procrastinate—or who use real cards when you do it—FreeCell is a kind of solitaire and one of many ways one can put off doing actual work on one’s home computer. (Normally you don’t find FreeCell on business computers because of the effect it would have on gross domestic product.)

While it may be one of the most effective methods of delaying work, FreeCell is certainly not the only one. And on January 1, I resolved to cut back on procrastination. All these weeks later, I’m finally getting around to writing about it.

First, let’s review some of the time-honored maxims about avoiding procrastination.

1. Eat the elephant in small bites. The elephant is a low-carb, high-protein metaphor for a project so large that one does not know where to begin. When one does not know where to begin, one does not begin. One plays FreeCell. Or reads her spam. Or eats Spam. In small bites.

Meanwhile, the elephant grows larger. No one can swallow an entire elephant in one gulp, nor would they want to. That’s why one should divide the project into small tasks or, to put it another way, chop the elephant into bite-size morsels. While this should make your project more manageable, it won’t necessarily make the elephant taste any better.

2. Eat your frog the first thing in the morning. The frog symbolizes those tasks so unpleasant that you simply cannot bring yourself to do them. Unfortunately, frogs left uneaten have a way of metamorphosing into large, distasteful elephants while you’re watching Seinfeld reruns. That is why you must summon your courage first thing in the morning and force yourself to swallow the darn thing and get it over with. This will leave you energized and motivated to do other less abhorrent projects—or play a rousing game of FreeCell.

3. Make hay while the sun is shining. In other words, work during your peak times. Some people are morning people; some people are night people. I’m a person for a short period right around suppertime. I try to avoid spending my precious peak time daydreaming or twiddling my thumbs; I have my other 15 hours of non-peak, non-sleep time to do that.

While I recommend you add elephants, frogs and hay to your diet, I do not believe you should give up procrastination entirely. Instead I suggest you practice what I call the Art of Selective Procrastination. Consider the following:

If you delay your Christmas shopping until December 23, you won’t forget where you put the gifts. Or that you bought them.

If you wait to buy your Halloween candy until the afternoon of October 31, you won’t have to buy more to replace all that you ate.

If you regularly delay grocery shopping, you’ll get to eat out more often.

If you wait long enough, your family will eventually take all of the clean, unfolded laundry out of the laundry basket, making folding it and putting it away completely unnecessary.

If you wait long enough to shovel snow, eventually it will melt. If you put off raking your leaves, the autumn winds will blow them into your neighbor’s yard. And if you put off making hay and eating your frogs and elephants, you’ll have more time to play FreeCell.

Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.