No Elephants Were Harmed in the Making of this Essay

There’s a big box in my guest room containing one redneck coloring book (never used), four pink flamingos (brand-new), one wrench beer opener (still in the package) and an assortment of other equally useful items. I keep the box there partly because my guest room has become something of a storage unit and partly because I’m hoping one of my guests will steal the box from me.

Unfortunately everyone who’s stayed with me is either too honest to steal or just has better taste. It’s okay though. I’m about to part with a few things. ‘Tis the season for that curious tradition known as the White Elephant Gift Exchange. The term “white elephant” refers to a useless or troublesome possession, which is exactly what one receives during a White Elephant Gift Exchange. No actual elephants are exchanged at these events, which is lucky because my guest room isn’t that big.

The exchange goes by various other names including Rob Your Neighbor, Thieving Secret Santa, Grinch Exchange and Yankee Swap. As far as I know no Yankees are swapped either, though I could fit at least a couple of those in my guest room.

The rules vary, but basically each participant supplies one amusing, impractical or downright dumb gift such as a set of muffin-top baking cups, a high-heel tape dispenser or soap in the shape of false teeth. The group determines order, the first victim opens a wrapped gift and turns to the next victim. Every partaker after that chooses a wrapped gift or steals from someone else who’s already selected. When someone’s gift is stolen, that person can either choose another wrapped gift to open or steal from another player. The game is over when everyone has a useless item to store in their guest room.

Throughout the exchange, those who don’t like their gifts, which is almost everyone, try to persuade others to steal it. “This bacon cologne is so you. You know you want it.” “Come on! Everyone should have at least one propeller beanie.” It’s all quite entertaining and I never want to do it again.

I’ve had the dubious good fortune of attending many White Elephant Gift Exchanges which explains my redneck coloring book, pink flamingos and wrench beer opener. You didn’t think I bought those myself, did you?

As someone who’s trying to downsize, it goes against everything in me to attend a social event and come home with something I don’t need, don’t want and can’t regift in good conscience. With that in mind, here’s my strategy for winning at the White Elephant Gift Exchange game.

1. Before you choose a gift to bring to the party, make absolutely certain that it’s a White Elephant Gift Exchange you’re going to. You don’t want to be the only one who brings fuzzy dice or a thirty-year-old macroeconomics textbook to the party.
2. Never buy a white elephant gift. That’s a waste of money and it only encourages manufacturers to make more of them. Instead, dig through gifts you’ve been given. Often an item that was not intended to be a white elephant can easily pass for one. Just make sure the person who gave it to you won’t be at the party.
3. Once at the party, make every effort to be the last person to choose a gift. Often order is chosen by drawing numbers. That means you’ll have to cheat. I’m kidding. But the last person in the White Elephant Gift Exchange does have the advantage because they can choose the least dumb of all the dumb gifts. Still, don’t cheat. It’s not worth ruining your reputation over. Or maybe it is.
4. Never choose the most beautifully wrapped gift. Fancy wrapping is almost always a ploy by the giver to convince you to choose their A Christmas Story leg lamp or the stocking cap with a beard attached.
5. Never choose the largest gift. A large box often holds many smaller boxes, all containing baby elephants. This is usually a sign that the giver is trying to pare down the selection of white elephant gifts in her guest room. Meanwhile, a small gift in an unattractive brown paper bag is often a gift card purchased on the way to the party by someone who nearly forgot to bring one.
6. If you get a gift you can tolerate, do all you can to discourage others from stealing it. Sneeze on it if you have to.
7. Finally, if you really don’t want your gift, and most likely you won’t, “forget” it when you leave the party. I was once at a party where all thirty-some guests hid the gifts we’d received throughout our host’s home. That included the case of canned sardines I brought to give away. Our lucky host was finding sardines and white elephants until Valentine’s Day. The rest of us went home gift-free. Merry Christmas to us!