Celebrating the Finder in Chief

This essay is dedicated to all those mothers who worry that if they leave town, their family will have to go next door to use the bathroom because they won’t know where to find more toilet paper when the roll is empty.

On Mother’s Day we celebrate not only all that mothers are and do, but all they know. Moms know the health history, food preferences, idiosyncrasies, sleep habits, social calendar and work schedule of every member of the family. They know everyone’s birth weight, birth date and birthday cake preference. And they know the whereabouts of clothing, electronics, textbooks and other paraphernalia dropped by family members who go through the house shedding belongings like overdressed tourists in the desert.

With so much to remember it’s no wonder mothers occasionally put wet clothes in the dryer and forget to turn it on. It’s no wonder they sometimes put the cereal in the refrigerator and the milk in the cupboard. And it’s no wonder they try six names before they get to the one belonging to the person they’re speaking to.

Moms simply have too much on their minds. They know too much. Let’s focus on one aspect of this great knowledge: a mother’s amazing instinct for knowing the whereabouts of every family member’s belongings, or at least their unshakeable belief that she does. Mom is the Finder in Chief for the whole family.

Every third sentence she hears from other family members begins with, “Have you seen my…,” as in, “Have you seen my sweatshirt, cell phone, math homework or half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” Sometimes there’s an edge to the question, as though the asker really means, “What did you do with my sweatshirt, cell phone, math homework or half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” They never ask that way though. They may not know where to find anything in the house but they do know it’s bad manners to insult the locals before you ask for directions.

 The Finder in Chief also has exclusive knowledge of the location of all necessities stored in the home. Family members who go through entire rolls of paper towels daily will do without them until Mom gets more from the pantry, or the basement or wherever they’ve been stored since the family moved into their home fifteen years ago. Tissue boxes will remain empty on the shelf until she goes to the cupboard for new ones, even if everyone in the family has a cold.

 Children who are normally diligent about handwashing will do without soap until Mom refills the soap dispenser. They simply do not know where these things are. Or at least they pretend they don’t because mom always comes through.

Being the Finder in Chief can be exhausting, which may help to explain the great irony of the job. A mother who has reloaded all the paper product dispensers in the house, then located a missing shoe in the back seat of the car, a science worksheet under the couch and a contact lens in the carpet, will not be able to find her own car keys. And there’s no one to help her.

Here is my wish for all you Finders in Chief on Mother’s Day. May you eventually manage to impart your great wisdom and skill to your family. But on Mother’s Day at least, might no one ask for it. May you put the milk in the refrigerator and the cereal in the cupboard. And may you find your reading glasses, or your other black shoe or whatever it is you’re missing. Better yet, may some kind family member find it for you.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon.