When I woke up Monday morning, the first thing I said to myself was, “What did you do all weekend? You didn’t finish the laundry. I know that!”

Not, “Have a wonderful day!” Not, “Do great things. You know you can!” Nope. It was, “You didn’t finish the laundry.” That’s only slightly better than the first thing I told myself when I woke up today: “You should whiten your teeth, girl.” No wonder I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

There’s another woman inside me, and she’s mean—at least to me. And not just in the morning. When I’m dressed up for an evening out, she says, “Nice outfit, but you’re starting to look a little matronly in it.” 

Every time I make a meal she says, “That could have been better.” And when I look around my living room, she says, “Some housekeeper you are. This place looks like a frat house without the beer cans.”

If I talked to other people the way she talks to me, I’d have no friends and my husband would have moved out long ago. But how do you stand up to a bully when the bully is you?

I sought advice from that font of all wisdom, Google, and I discovered there are more than 827,000,000 results for negative self-talk on the internet. I didn’t read them all. In fact, I only read the first few, because as my inner bully pointed out, I have the attention span of a gnat. 

Still, it was comforting. If there are 827,000,000 results for negative self-talk on the internet, I must not be the only one doing it.

According to a Psychology Today blog, there are a few basic varieties. There’s the self-talk we barely notice because it’s such a habit. (“I’m stupid.” “I’m fat.”)  If you don’t think those are harmful, try them out on a friend and see how they go over.

There’s the self-limiting variety. Statements like “I’m not creative” or “I’m no good at math” create a self-fulfilling prophecy because, once we say them, we immediately assume defeat and stop trying. That’s why, when my son used to ask me for help with his math homework, I never said, “I’m no good at math.” Instead, I’d say, “Go ask your father.”

There’s the kind of self-talk where we jump to conclusions, assume the worse, and take our interpretations of a situation as fact. “When I walked in, everyone stopped talking. They must have been talking about me.” You’re right! We were. I’m joking!

If your self-talk involves a lot of, “I shoulds” or “I shouldn’ts,” you might be channeling other people—your parents, a friend, Dr. Phil. While they may have your best interests at heart, you’re letting them run your life and you should stop that right now.

Join me in resolving to change negative self-talk to positive from now on. Instead of “I’m a lousy cook,” say, “I enjoy eating out.” Instead of, “I hate my muffin top,” say, “I love muffins.” Instead of “I’m a terrible housekeeper,” say, “My house is cleaner than Dorothy Rosby’s.”

Make it a habit of saying your new positive statements repeatedly and with enthusiasm—except when you’re around me. You’ll feel better about yourself, plus someone might bring you muffins. 

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books and on Amazon.