By Dorothy Rosby

First-timers to the fitness scene are often tempted to ask other exercisers how long they’ve been at it. This question can be interpreted in two ways: Number one, “Maybe if I stick with this as long as you have, I’ll look as good as you do.” Or two, “Wow! You must have looked really bad before?”

I can’t speak for men, but at the gym, like everywhere else, we women tend to compare ourselves to others and we usually come up short—or tall, or fat or thin, though seldom thin. Because comparing yourself to the wrong person can result in a self-esteem-induced craving for cream puffs, I recommend the following when you’re in the company of other exercisers:

Never compare yourself to anyone who puts on make-up to work out. Believe it or not, there are women who shower before they exercise. Or at least, they appear to. They fix their hair and put on jewelry and fashionable, coordinated workout clothing. I don’t know about yours, but the clothes I wear to work don’t even match.

Never compare yourself to a newlywed or even a newly in-love. Romance causes certain chemical changes in a woman’s brain that result in decreased appetite. A newly in-love woman can keep a box of chocolates until they’re stale and turn up her nose at an apple pie. Fortunately, by her second anniversary she’s regained her sanity—and with it much of the weight she lost.

Never compare yourself to what I call a “mathematician.” A mathematician is someone who can tell you at any given moment what her weight and percentage of body fat are and how many calories and fat grams she’s eaten thus far that day. This can be discouraging if you’re pretty sure you consumed as much during your coffee break.

Never compare yourself to a chronic dieter. If she catches you looking at her she may kill you. She hates exercise and she’s cranky because she hasn’t eaten all day. But she has made up her mind to exercise daily and survive on lettuce and diet soda until she is a size six. She will stick with this regimen for three days and lose five pounds. Then on day four, exhausted, famished, and discouraged, she will leave the gym and go directly to the bakery where she will have not one, but two seven-layer bars. After this, you won’t see her at the gym for a very long time, although you may see her at the bakery. Don’t look at her there either.

Finally, never compare yourself to a “convert;” that is someone who once ate large quantities of fried white sugar and now eats only whole grains and organic vegetables. I recently overheard two such individuals talking about how they could never return to their former abhorrent lifestyles. But both admitted there are still some things from their shameful pasts that tempt them. One woman said bacon bits actually call out her name from salad bars.

“What does?” the other said innocently.

“Bacon bits,” said the first.

“Bacon what?”

The woman had never heard of bacon bits. Is that possible in America? Hearing their conversation made me long for a BLT. Extra bacon, extra mayo, hold the lettuce.

If you must compare, compare yourself to the way you were before you started exercising (unless it was better). And if you absolutely must compare yourself to someone else, choose someone in worse shape than you are—me for example. I wear baggy sweats and a ragged tee shirt when I exercise. The last time my abs were flat, I was eight years old. And, by golly, I know bacon bits when I see them.

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous including ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate; Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand, now available at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon in both print and ebook versions.

By Dorothy Rosby

The secret to career success can be summed up in six little words: Fake It ‘Til You Make It. I’ve read many Fake-It-’Til-You-Make-It tips in business publications, and while it should be fairly obvious that none of them have worked for me, I’m going to share them with you anyway.

1. First of all, you must dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Or, to put it another way, look the part, even if you don’t have the part. I’m quite happy with the job I have, but I work at home which is lucky. My dress code could give the impression to anyone in an office setting that I’d like to teach aerobics for a living.

2. You’ll also want to appear busy and in demand, even if you aren’t. That’s why you should never admit that your appointment book is empty. When trying to set up an appointment with a colleague, study your blank calendar, shake your head, and say, “Hmmmm. . . no . . . maybe. . . I might be able to stop by at 10 o’clock on Tuesday. But to be safe, let’s make it 10:15 or even 10:16.” You can see how that would inspire more confidence in a potential business associate than if you said, “My week is wide open. In fact, other than a dentist appointment on Wednesday and lunch with my mom on Friday, I don’t have a single thing going.”

3. On your way up the corporate ladder, you’ll eventually find yourself dining in the presence of other successful people—or fakers, as the case may be. Nothing I read on the subject put it quite this way, but I think the rule for dining on a first date applies to business dining as well: Never order anything that comes with a wet wipe.

4. A small amount of messiness in your office implies friendliness, but too much clutter may cause your visitors to believe you don’t care what they think—which may be true. On the other hand, too clean of an office conveys coldness as well as the impression that you don’t have enough work to do, the danger being that a co-worker might give you some of hers.

5. Walking too slowly in the workplace also gives the impression that you don’t have enough to do. On the other hand, running around like the proverbial chicken with her head cut off may give the impression that you’re disorganized and have no authority, since, as you know, chickens have almost no say in the workplace. I find this one confusing, so I just ask myself how Oprah walks into her office. I’m pretty sure the answer is any way she wants to.

6. Speak up at meetings. Career experts say that employees who speak up first at meetings are seen as more self-confident than those who make comments at the end. So jump right in. Talk about your weekend if that’s all you can think of.

7. Finally, experts agree, you should start earlier and work later than the boss. That means that around 4:30, you should ask your supervisor, “What time do you think you’ll be leaving today? And any idea when you’ll be here in the morning?”

Dorothy Rosby is a blogger and humor columnist whose column appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. She’s the author of four books of humorous including ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate; Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand, coming in November 2022.